mediation humour ...
How Cats Negotiate (put your sound on to fully appreciate this)
| BATNA | Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement |
| WATNA | Worst Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement |
| SATNA | Silliest Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. Might involve wearing a wig and a long red frock. (Not you, the Judge.) |
| FATNA | The size of the cheque you can expect to write out to your lawyer, win or lose, if you litigate. |
| PATNA | The distress marks of time and pressure. Applies to files, faces and relationships. |
How many mediators does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, let's unpack that shall we?
First of all, let's be clear that it isn't the mediator's function to change the lightbulb.
The mediator will explore with the lightbulb how it feels about the on and off nature of its job, its unhappiness at always having to work nights, and its relationships with the other parties, including the new lightbulbs that it feels are a threat to its position.
The mediator will talk to the new lightbulbs, reframing and normalizing their observation that the principal lightbulb is completely out of its box, and identifying that their real issue is that being picked on one at a time constantly undermines their team spirit.
The darkness seems quite hostile to all the lightbulbs and keeps telling them to go and unscrew themselves. The mediator will allow it to vent its anger and express its distress at how it always feels unwanted.
The mediator will help guide the darkness and the lightbulbs, both new and mature, to a solution reflecting their new understanding of each other. Bright sparks will realise that you'll have to be left in the dark now because the final outcome is confidential.
Why did the mediator cross the road?
I'm sorry, I can't share that information with you unless the chicken authorises me to tell you.
How to make a mediator cross
One day at a debriefing session Constance, an experienced mediator, was explaining to her mentor that she had lost her self-control earlier in the week....
"You know Margaret, the other day I got so angry I swore and swore like I've never done before."
"Really?" said Margaret, quite surprised at this unusual lapse, "Tell me what happened."
"Well" said Constance, "I was playing golf with Annette Curtin and I hit a beautiful drive that looked like it would go 150 yards down the fairway. But it didn't, it hit an overhead cable and fell to the ground after only 60 yards or so."
"Mmm, go on" said Margaret, realising that there was a bit more to this.
"Well," replied Constance, "I went after the ball and would have taken another shot, only just as I reached it a squirrel burst out of the undergrowth, picked up the ball, and ran off with it!"
"How amazing!" said Margaret "So did you swear because you were surprised?"
"No, of course not" said Constance, "I started running after the squirrel and I was just about to catch up when a huge eagle swooped out of the sky, picked up the squirrel in its talons, and flew away!"
"Wow!" said Margaret "So you swore because you felt that you had almost succeeded in recovering your ball but once again you'd been thwarted?"
"No Margaret" said Constance "In fact Annette and I carried on chasing the eagle and the squirrel, until after a few moments the squirrel dropped the ball into the rough."
"Oh, I see" said Margaret "you swore because after all that your lovely tee shot had ended up in the undergrowth where it would be really hard to hit?"
"No, Margaret, that didn't make me swear because you see when the ball fell into the rough it hit a rock, bounced out again, flew up and over the bunker then landed on the green only 6 inches from the hole."
The two mediators looked at each other for a moment, then Margaret said "You missed the f****ng putt, didn't you Constance?"
Bumper Stickers
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Mediators:
- do it until everyone is satisfied
- do it in separate rooms
- do it with a flip chart
- do it with an assistant
- do it consensually
- do it confidentially
- won't tell anyone about it afterwards
- won't do it for you, but they'll help you do it for yourself